Not A Killer
by LLY1
Summary: [HBP Spoiler] What really went on in the mind of Draco Malfoy that night of the Lightning Struck Tower?


I don't even know what happened.

It was all happening so fast - faster than I had played out in my imagination. I had Dumbledore there in front of me disarmed and already weakened. And I was going to kill him - I _was_. But the calmness in the old man's voice was unnerving. He didn't seem afraid of me, and that aggravated me quite a bit. How was the man so sure of my timidness? He couldn't have been.

"Draco, Draco, you are not a killer."

"How do you know?"

Looking back on it, I don't think those were the best words to say. It was the first thought in my head and the first thing to fly out of my mouth. The next words weren't so great, either... My stomach began to turn. I was running out of things to say. _Just kill him,_ I thought to myself, _and it will all be over._

His insults on my attempts to kill him worked on my nerve just enough that I was ready to kill him - I was. Until...

"I wonder whether your heart has been really in it." Those words. Those bloody words that hit yet another nerve - the kind of nerve that gets your heart racing more and your to sink. Mid-sentence in my retort, I heard something inside the castle that reminded me why I was there. My mother, my father, my own life... this had to be done. There was fighting inside the castle, and soon Death Eaters would be outside with me. I had to kill Dumbledore. I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't deal with it anymore.

My attention drew back to weakened man, sitting there in the pale moonlight, defenseless. _Just do it._ I couldn't. The man was right; I was no killer. I wasn't taught like the other Death Eaters - my fathers ramblings when I was a child didn't count. I was only 16. I _am_ only 16. I had the responsibility of killing, well, honestly one of the most powerful wizards that ever existed? I felt a trickle of sweat run down my forehead, blaming the heat and humidity, not my fear, I chose to ignore it.

"I'm not afraid!" I lied to the man I was to kill in a minute, although I wasn't really paying attention to a word he was saying. I was going to kill him. I was. I needed another moment to pull myself together, to realize this is what had to be done. To keep me and my family safe. My grip tightened around my wand, and I braced myself.

But he asked me how I'd done it and I had to tell him how. So I did. And we had a whole conversation, because, well, I was damn proud of what I had done. Not many wizards my age could have done that - **no** wizard my age could do it. And for a moment, I didn't feel all that sick anymore and I didn't feel that my chest was going to collapse and I was going to stop breathing. Just for a moment.

"So let us discuss your options, Draco."

The feelings returned, and my stomach felt like it was trying to strangle itself. My pulse was racing, and my heart felt it would burst through my chest any moment with impeccable force. He was at my mercy, I was going to kill him... I had no options. And the more I started to realize - _really_ realize that I had no options left, I felt even more sick. He tried to bargain with me - as if I would believe he could help me. There was no protecting anyone against the Dark Lord. Dumbledore was telling me I'm not a killer? Of course I'm a killer. I was born a Malfoy... I had no other path to take. I had to do this.

My thoughts traced back to Potter, the reason I was in that position. If it wasn't for him playing hero all the bloody time, my father would not have been in Azkaban. I would not be standing here, sweating from either my own nerves or the humid air or both, ready to kill the one of the strongest wizards ever. My body tensed, and I was filled withy so much hatred I felt confident about what I was to do next.

I felt my hand trembling and braced myself. I was going to do it, I really was going to do it. Looking at my soon-to-be victim before me didn't make me feel any mercy - not the slightest bit. Holding my breath, and reciting the words I was about to say outloud, in my mind... _Avada _-

But the others came and I froze in fear and embarrassment. I felt my stomach continue to battle with itself and my throat tighten up. I knew I had lost all color in my face. My eyes were fixated on Dumbledore as I tried my hardest to just do my task and get it over with. I couldn't steady my hand. The Others ordered me to kill him and I felt I was going to break down just then. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. I wanted to run and get out of there.

When Snape showed up, I didn't think he was going to do it. I thought to myself how much trouble I was going to get myself into, and how Snape would deny anything I had said against him. Dumbledore, naturally believe him and my family and myself... and...

I didn't have much time to think any further because Snape had already killed the old wizard and we all watched him die. I heard a scream so loud, I swear it woke the dead. There wasn't a man in the world who did not hear that scream. I had no idea where it come from, nor at that time did I care very much. It was over and I was relieved. I didn't have to kill anyone, and it wasn't so bad, the dying. I had never seen someone die before - not in person,at least. That wasn't so bad. Within seconds Dumbledore's body was limp and lifeless.

The moment of relief was short-lived, as Snape tugged me by the scruff of my neck and before I knew it, and confusedly I was running with him. I had a feeling after that, I wouldn't be seeing any much more of Hogwarts.


End file.
